As I have started a new role, I am clearly meeting new people. On the whole, I like my new job a lot - larger companies with proper departments for things, great boss, friendly and capable colleagues.
The thing is with my company, though, is that it has seen a lot of change in recent years. Some major acquisitions, new board members and senior staff, and an influx of 80 staff to a team of around 25, along with a transition to a new CEO from one who was, well, 'autocratic' would be the generous term.
The end result of this is that there's been tumultuous change which has created 'history'. Everyone in the company - or at least, everyone who has been there for a while - is keen to tell me about the history, or sometimes, put in other diplomatic terms - 'context', or insights. I find these things useful to the extent that they provide perspective, but these have sometimes devolved into politics.
On that topic, I have a new colleague who (awkwardly) is actually doing the role I've been hired for. She is a contractor selected by the board for a discrete piece of work (which she has very ably delivered in trying circumstances), but it was decided (by who, I'm not sure) that she's not the right longer term fit for the business - hence, my appointment.
Now, she has taken this extremely well. I think she may be somewhat confused, but has coped with integrity and is still clearly committed to getting great outcomes for the business. Brava.
The thing is with this woman... she is an energy vampire and doesn't know it.
She is extremely engaging, knowledgable and hard working. However, in the few short days I've been working with her, I feel like a need a Stackhat and a packed lunch for every meeting, and after every interaction, well, sometimes I could take a nap.
She's just flying around, a million miles a minute, and so involved with - and obsessed over - every tiny piece of detail which I'm not sure matters. She makes things needlessly complex and loves gossip or 'uncovering' dramas or issues. Nearly every conversation I have had with her - even ones that are driven by simple questions - devolve into whispers and eventually end in a private meeting room where she can tell me 'what's really going on'.
I don't think she deliberately sets out to be confrontational or intense, but she is. And it's reminding me of one of my new career resolutions - thou shalt not give away emotional energy. To manage this, I actually (subtly of course) imagine a barrier between her and I where I can hear what she's saying but not engage too much.
Any tips for people like this? The above tactic is working somewhat, but I feel like she's encroaching on my time in such an unproductive way!
Thursday, 26 July 2018
Friday, 20 July 2018
The new rules for working (and maybe life too)
As I move into the second half of 2018, I have had great occasion to reflect on the first half of the year. By the end of June, I had resigned my job, finished my MBA, been through some very intense periods at work (audit, restructure), and felt, well, pretty exhausted.
On Monday, I'll commence a new role, perhaps the most challenging and senior of my career. Given that my tendency is to 'carry' work quite heavily, I've spent my month off (yes, that's right, a month!) thinking about how I create a happier and more productive relationship with work. My last role had many positives - great people, flexible working arrangements - but I felt constantly frustrated, burnt out, unrecognised and under the pump. The 18 months I spent in the role (not long in the grand scheme of things) saw me hurtling from one thing to the next, frantically trying to be all things to all people, putting out fires and making myself overly available. Whilst I can put some of these down to the environment (understaffed, low resourced start up, my job being a mix of 5 different things), I can also say with some honesty that much of my state of mind and attitude was due to my behaviours, attitudes and belief.
I'm hoping to achieve a new way of showing up to work and doing a fantastic job whilst not feeling like it's sucking me dry and causing me unnecessary stress and overwhelm. My last job got to the point where I often couldn't sleep, such was my stress, and going to work every day (even when trying to put myself in a positive mindset) became something I dreaded. This was for a range of reasons - some unproductive working relationships, a lack of alignment between my values and those of my employer, feeling as though I needed to 'get everything done', despite feeling exhausted, and feeling on the whole unrecognised and taken advantage of (salary wise).
So, to that end, I've thought about how I am going to show up to my new role and hopefully create some much needed space between the work and 'who I am' - historically, this has been challenging for me. Here's my ten commandments for my new role and the next 12 months.
1. Though shalt not over engage emotionally at work (or in life).
In my old role, I had a habit of taking things personally which simply weren't personal. In my capacity as a informal mentor, I often tell my mentees that work 'isn't personal'. When it comes to working conditions, salaries and career progression, sometimes what you are looking for will align with what your employer is looking for. Sometimes it won't. This is why we sometimes can get paid more for doing the same role in a different company - the new company might put a monetary value on some of your skills that your current company does not. It's not personal, and it's certainly not something that you should feel emotional about. Sure, it might be disappointing and frustrating, but we don't need to dwell on it. We can have feelings about work without fixating on it. Listen to those feelings - if you're having them more often than not, it could be time for change - but try and save your emotional energy for things that matter (family, friends and self).
2. Though shalt not gossip.
Okay, I'm guilty of this. I won't go into detail on this because it's fairly self explanatory, but I'll say this - once people see that you're up for a nasty gossip, it's very hard to undo that perception. My new boss described someone in my new company as being 'a bit of a gossip' and it didn't create a positive impression. It rarely does.
3. Though shalt take time and energy for creative pursuits.
Over the last year, I thought I didn't have time for writing. When I reflect on this, I realise I had plenty of time (perhaps I just needed to grab it more fully), but I often lacked the energy - that is, after I was done working, studying, parenting, being a friend and wife, doing housework, exercising - all I could do was crawl up for a big nap. It's an important lesson - it's not just time but energy we expend. This year, I'm dedicating 10 minutes a day to writing with a larger chunk on Friday mornings, and 5 minutes of Spanish and weekly singing lessons.
4. Though shalt place 'space' between stimuli and response.
I have a life long habit of 'jumping in' to solve problems, put out fires, respond to emails, make sure that I am taking action. No more. After doing this for 35 years, I've realised three things 1. most things that seem urgent aren't. 2. the brief feeling of satisfaction at 'actioning' something isn't worth the cost of constantly juggling emails, texts, tasks and 3. a bit of space can be a good thing for the thought process (not to mention soul) and leads to less mistakes.
5. Though shalt not multi task.
I won't delve into this one, suffice to say that it is now well researched that it doesn't make us more productive. I will give myself an exception for music / podcasts when travelling / walking. Because I love them.
6. Though shalt call it out.
Do you ever have imaginary conversations with people who piss you off? They did something, you didn't mention anything at the time, but later (usually at 3 am) I am saying what I wish I said, bantering back and forth, winning arguments. Just say it at the time. You risk being wrong or being a little difficult, but calling something out once, or at least engaging in constructive conversation, it much better for your sanity.
7. Though shalt be less available.
I get a lot of texts and emails and phone calls. Hint - if your phone lights up with a call or you get ANOTHER email from a person asking a favour and your response is to roll your eyes or sigh, then you can just leave it for a while.
8. Though shalt not engage in the 3M's daily.
Musing, meditation and movement. The latter two are self explanatory (with movement ranging from a walk to a stretch through to a full gym workout). The 'musing' part is to wake up with intention and go to sleep having reflected (non judgmentally) on the day.
9. Though shalt take time to reflect.
Schedule this shit. Daily, as per above, weekly (maybe with your spouse or significant other), monthly. To ask yourself how are you are feeling, what's feeling good and what's not. This is an excellent way to practise emotional agility (and stop things from building up over time) and make tweaks and pivots.
10. Though shall prioritise the things that matter.
Being present with my family matters. Doing a good job at work matters. Making time for myself and family and friends matters. Quality time - where I'm not distracted or anxious about something else - matters. My friends and family will be there when work is long gone. My daughter will be a grown up before I know it. It's time to stop worrying about the micro.
On Monday, I'll commence a new role, perhaps the most challenging and senior of my career. Given that my tendency is to 'carry' work quite heavily, I've spent my month off (yes, that's right, a month!) thinking about how I create a happier and more productive relationship with work. My last role had many positives - great people, flexible working arrangements - but I felt constantly frustrated, burnt out, unrecognised and under the pump. The 18 months I spent in the role (not long in the grand scheme of things) saw me hurtling from one thing to the next, frantically trying to be all things to all people, putting out fires and making myself overly available. Whilst I can put some of these down to the environment (understaffed, low resourced start up, my job being a mix of 5 different things), I can also say with some honesty that much of my state of mind and attitude was due to my behaviours, attitudes and belief.
I'm hoping to achieve a new way of showing up to work and doing a fantastic job whilst not feeling like it's sucking me dry and causing me unnecessary stress and overwhelm. My last job got to the point where I often couldn't sleep, such was my stress, and going to work every day (even when trying to put myself in a positive mindset) became something I dreaded. This was for a range of reasons - some unproductive working relationships, a lack of alignment between my values and those of my employer, feeling as though I needed to 'get everything done', despite feeling exhausted, and feeling on the whole unrecognised and taken advantage of (salary wise).
So, to that end, I've thought about how I am going to show up to my new role and hopefully create some much needed space between the work and 'who I am' - historically, this has been challenging for me. Here's my ten commandments for my new role and the next 12 months.
1. Though shalt not over engage emotionally at work (or in life).
In my old role, I had a habit of taking things personally which simply weren't personal. In my capacity as a informal mentor, I often tell my mentees that work 'isn't personal'. When it comes to working conditions, salaries and career progression, sometimes what you are looking for will align with what your employer is looking for. Sometimes it won't. This is why we sometimes can get paid more for doing the same role in a different company - the new company might put a monetary value on some of your skills that your current company does not. It's not personal, and it's certainly not something that you should feel emotional about. Sure, it might be disappointing and frustrating, but we don't need to dwell on it. We can have feelings about work without fixating on it. Listen to those feelings - if you're having them more often than not, it could be time for change - but try and save your emotional energy for things that matter (family, friends and self).
2. Though shalt not gossip.
Okay, I'm guilty of this. I won't go into detail on this because it's fairly self explanatory, but I'll say this - once people see that you're up for a nasty gossip, it's very hard to undo that perception. My new boss described someone in my new company as being 'a bit of a gossip' and it didn't create a positive impression. It rarely does.
3. Though shalt take time and energy for creative pursuits.
Over the last year, I thought I didn't have time for writing. When I reflect on this, I realise I had plenty of time (perhaps I just needed to grab it more fully), but I often lacked the energy - that is, after I was done working, studying, parenting, being a friend and wife, doing housework, exercising - all I could do was crawl up for a big nap. It's an important lesson - it's not just time but energy we expend. This year, I'm dedicating 10 minutes a day to writing with a larger chunk on Friday mornings, and 5 minutes of Spanish and weekly singing lessons.
4. Though shalt place 'space' between stimuli and response.
I have a life long habit of 'jumping in' to solve problems, put out fires, respond to emails, make sure that I am taking action. No more. After doing this for 35 years, I've realised three things 1. most things that seem urgent aren't. 2. the brief feeling of satisfaction at 'actioning' something isn't worth the cost of constantly juggling emails, texts, tasks and 3. a bit of space can be a good thing for the thought process (not to mention soul) and leads to less mistakes.
5. Though shalt not multi task.
I won't delve into this one, suffice to say that it is now well researched that it doesn't make us more productive. I will give myself an exception for music / podcasts when travelling / walking. Because I love them.
6. Though shalt call it out.
Do you ever have imaginary conversations with people who piss you off? They did something, you didn't mention anything at the time, but later (usually at 3 am) I am saying what I wish I said, bantering back and forth, winning arguments. Just say it at the time. You risk being wrong or being a little difficult, but calling something out once, or at least engaging in constructive conversation, it much better for your sanity.
7. Though shalt be less available.
I get a lot of texts and emails and phone calls. Hint - if your phone lights up with a call or you get ANOTHER email from a person asking a favour and your response is to roll your eyes or sigh, then you can just leave it for a while.
8. Though shalt not engage in the 3M's daily.
Musing, meditation and movement. The latter two are self explanatory (with movement ranging from a walk to a stretch through to a full gym workout). The 'musing' part is to wake up with intention and go to sleep having reflected (non judgmentally) on the day.
9. Though shalt take time to reflect.
Schedule this shit. Daily, as per above, weekly (maybe with your spouse or significant other), monthly. To ask yourself how are you are feeling, what's feeling good and what's not. This is an excellent way to practise emotional agility (and stop things from building up over time) and make tweaks and pivots.
10. Though shall prioritise the things that matter.
Being present with my family matters. Doing a good job at work matters. Making time for myself and family and friends matters. Quality time - where I'm not distracted or anxious about something else - matters. My friends and family will be there when work is long gone. My daughter will be a grown up before I know it. It's time to stop worrying about the micro.
Saturday, 10 February 2018
The value of tweaks and pivots
It's almost 6 weeks into 2018, and obviously share the same sentiments as the rest of humanity about the pace at which 2018 seems to be moving (where does the time go, etc, etc).
Early this year, I sat and really reflected upon 2017 - the good, the bad and the ugly. By the end of last year I felt completely exhausted and burnt out. I believe this was a function of both external factors and my tendency to 'push' myself into being perfect in every aspect of my life (I'm not bragging by the way. I don't see this as a positive, at all!).
Also a major contributor to this feeling of overwhelm I lovingly refer to as my tendency to 'invite frustration' into my life.
How do I do this, you ask?
- by dwelling and ruminating on things, people, situations that anger/annoy/sadden me.
- by taking a very dramatic approach to the areas I would like to change in my life (I don't our house - we need to move! To Denmark! I don't like my career - I need to quit my job! Get involved in a start up! I feel stressed! I need to go into a cave for weeks and not talk).
You get the drift.
I find that each of these approaches invites frustration. It's certainly okay - and necessary - to self examine and make adjustments where necessary. I'm not advocating for accepting situations that are bad, staying in jobs that make us miserable, keeping engaging in stressful lifestyle activities because we think we 'have to'.
But the thing is, taking this approach makes me feel totally overwhelmed, freaked out and powerless. Because I can't quit my job and magically become a CEO at an innovate start up that saves the environment and baby whales and also let's its employees play ping pong in the middle of day whilst also providing free private health cover. In the same vein, I can't magically wave a magic wand and become someone who is always serene, zen, freshly meditated (is that even thing?) and walks through the world being mindful with each breath, taking in the beauty of each moment. I'm just not that guy (though certainly, that does sound nice).
So my approach to 2018 is to tweak and pivot. This approach has many names (e.g. tilting) and isn't new by any means. My focus is to make small, almost immeasurable daily movements or changes that feel like they are in the right direction, and trust that they will get me where I need to go. This provides a nice contract from the feeling that I need to fundamentally 'change', that there are some drastic adjustments standing between me and fulfilment or a meaningful life.
So for me, this looks like:
- meditating daily, and just stopping whenever I remember to take a few big, deep breathes and wiggle my toes.
- taking ten minutes each day to advance my career in the direction I'd like to take it. This has meant, for example, signing up for mentoring, entering a competition to write essays on smart cities, signing up for another three months of career coaching.
- doing things that I know ground me - reading, exercising.
- cracking some work practices which are a bit unhelpful - for example, not reading emails first thing in the morning, or reading but not responding to emails, asking people to come back into my office rather than letting them interrupt me when I'm in deep work.
They key is to keep it small. Not to make big, sweeping statements like " I NEVER miss a day of meditation" or "I ALWAYS check emails only once a day at midday'.
Because these big rules / statements also invite overwhelm and frustration.
I think the second key to tweaks and pivots is aligning them to something bigger (which, honestly, I'm still working on). But for now, it's just small tweaks and pivots towards things that feel good and progress me or stretch my limits a little.
Early this year, I sat and really reflected upon 2017 - the good, the bad and the ugly. By the end of last year I felt completely exhausted and burnt out. I believe this was a function of both external factors and my tendency to 'push' myself into being perfect in every aspect of my life (I'm not bragging by the way. I don't see this as a positive, at all!).
Also a major contributor to this feeling of overwhelm I lovingly refer to as my tendency to 'invite frustration' into my life.
How do I do this, you ask?
- by dwelling and ruminating on things, people, situations that anger/annoy/sadden me.
- by taking a very dramatic approach to the areas I would like to change in my life (I don't our house - we need to move! To Denmark! I don't like my career - I need to quit my job! Get involved in a start up! I feel stressed! I need to go into a cave for weeks and not talk).
You get the drift.
I find that each of these approaches invites frustration. It's certainly okay - and necessary - to self examine and make adjustments where necessary. I'm not advocating for accepting situations that are bad, staying in jobs that make us miserable, keeping engaging in stressful lifestyle activities because we think we 'have to'.
But the thing is, taking this approach makes me feel totally overwhelmed, freaked out and powerless. Because I can't quit my job and magically become a CEO at an innovate start up that saves the environment and baby whales and also let's its employees play ping pong in the middle of day whilst also providing free private health cover. In the same vein, I can't magically wave a magic wand and become someone who is always serene, zen, freshly meditated (is that even thing?) and walks through the world being mindful with each breath, taking in the beauty of each moment. I'm just not that guy (though certainly, that does sound nice).
So my approach to 2018 is to tweak and pivot. This approach has many names (e.g. tilting) and isn't new by any means. My focus is to make small, almost immeasurable daily movements or changes that feel like they are in the right direction, and trust that they will get me where I need to go. This provides a nice contract from the feeling that I need to fundamentally 'change', that there are some drastic adjustments standing between me and fulfilment or a meaningful life.
So for me, this looks like:
- meditating daily, and just stopping whenever I remember to take a few big, deep breathes and wiggle my toes.
- taking ten minutes each day to advance my career in the direction I'd like to take it. This has meant, for example, signing up for mentoring, entering a competition to write essays on smart cities, signing up for another three months of career coaching.
- doing things that I know ground me - reading, exercising.
- cracking some work practices which are a bit unhelpful - for example, not reading emails first thing in the morning, or reading but not responding to emails, asking people to come back into my office rather than letting them interrupt me when I'm in deep work.
They key is to keep it small. Not to make big, sweeping statements like " I NEVER miss a day of meditation" or "I ALWAYS check emails only once a day at midday'.
Because these big rules / statements also invite overwhelm and frustration.
I think the second key to tweaks and pivots is aligning them to something bigger (which, honestly, I'm still working on). But for now, it's just small tweaks and pivots towards things that feel good and progress me or stretch my limits a little.
Saturday, 11 November 2017
Perfectionism v. striving for your best
I'm writing a blog post today which shamelessly expands on a topic discussed by Brene Brown (you can listen to interview she gave on my new favourite podcast - Being Boss - here), where she delves i into the conversation about the difference between perfectionism and striving (the former being not great, with the latter apparently better). She makes the point that being 'perfect' in the world will not protect you from shame, hurt, vulnerability or heartache, because those conditions are universal to all humans.
She further captures this concept of being perfect by saying that it's akin to carrying around a 20 tonne shield. Exhausting, right? To differentiate between these things, she notes that perfectionism is (amongst other things) something that we do for others. To appear a certain way.
I get this. Hard. I carry around that shield, lugging it from home to work to the gym to the shops and to see friends and with my daughter. It's bloody tiring and at it's hard, it's about avoidance - avoidance of those feelings of shame, vulnerability and failure. That if I keep running and striving and trying that I will be immune from those feelings.
I try now to distinguish this from striving for personal reasons. To realise your potential, to feel as though you're aligned with your values, to feel as though you're working with purpose. Those are all intrinsic motivations, things that are special to me but may or may not please others.
It's often very hard to focus on these things. In a world where we are more attune than ever to others' opinions of us, and more attune to others living in their world of striving or perfectionism, it can be really hard to justify doing things just because you're intrinsically motivated to do them.
In any case, this is how I define the difference between striving and perfectionism. The former is what I do to realise my potential, the latter is something that I do to keep my head above water and be 'seen' by others. It's a fool's errand as well. Because you pursue perfectionism thinking that there will be a magic point at which 'perfectionism' will be achieved - when you've lost that weight, redone your kitchen, cleaned the laundry - and it won't. There will always be more, and you / I will never be done with it. It becomes insidious.
So how to unhook from this? I'm about to read Brene's book the Gifts of Imperfection... stay tuned.
She further captures this concept of being perfect by saying that it's akin to carrying around a 20 tonne shield. Exhausting, right? To differentiate between these things, she notes that perfectionism is (amongst other things) something that we do for others. To appear a certain way.
I get this. Hard. I carry around that shield, lugging it from home to work to the gym to the shops and to see friends and with my daughter. It's bloody tiring and at it's hard, it's about avoidance - avoidance of those feelings of shame, vulnerability and failure. That if I keep running and striving and trying that I will be immune from those feelings.
I try now to distinguish this from striving for personal reasons. To realise your potential, to feel as though you're aligned with your values, to feel as though you're working with purpose. Those are all intrinsic motivations, things that are special to me but may or may not please others.
It's often very hard to focus on these things. In a world where we are more attune than ever to others' opinions of us, and more attune to others living in their world of striving or perfectionism, it can be really hard to justify doing things just because you're intrinsically motivated to do them.
In any case, this is how I define the difference between striving and perfectionism. The former is what I do to realise my potential, the latter is something that I do to keep my head above water and be 'seen' by others. It's a fool's errand as well. Because you pursue perfectionism thinking that there will be a magic point at which 'perfectionism' will be achieved - when you've lost that weight, redone your kitchen, cleaned the laundry - and it won't. There will always be more, and you / I will never be done with it. It becomes insidious.
So how to unhook from this? I'm about to read Brene's book the Gifts of Imperfection... stay tuned.
Tuesday, 4 April 2017
An exercise in overwhelm
I've been feeling overwhelmed lately, particularly as a juggle the return to work with small person with uni with life. The juggle itself isn't so bad, it's more the feeling that I'm peddling hard and not feeling as though I'm getting anywhere. I'm guessing this is a common enough feeling in today's day and age - the lingering, yearning feeling that you've never done quite enough, that there are milestones and things to achieve that remain ever out of reach and elusive. How to combat this feeling? Do we meditate diligently and tell ourselves that we are 'enough'? Do we organise more efficiently, ensuring that we've allocated enough time to each area of our life? I must confess, I'm bad at this in the sense that I'm not a great prioritiser. From way back, pre baby, I relentlessly took on everything - social engagements, projects, things around the house, work stuff, responsibilities. Every fucking thing. In previous times in my life, I've had more time to spare and so I could fit all the 'stuff' in - albeit uncomfortably - to avoid having to really sit with myself too often.
And the thing is, I still have this inclination (to take on everything) but less time in general. And instead of saying no, or de-prioritising, I'm just spending a lot of time over engaging with every little thing that pops up.
I have no magic ideas as to how to combat this. I know that there are some obvious first ports of call - define my values, say no more often - but I can't help but feel that it goes deeper than that, to a sense of needing to be overly engaged in the world to make sure that I'm 'okay'.
And the thing is, I still have this inclination (to take on everything) but less time in general. And instead of saying no, or de-prioritising, I'm just spending a lot of time over engaging with every little thing that pops up.
I have no magic ideas as to how to combat this. I know that there are some obvious first ports of call - define my values, say no more often - but I can't help but feel that it goes deeper than that, to a sense of needing to be overly engaged in the world to make sure that I'm 'okay'.
Tuesday, 21 March 2017
Sarah Wilson told me to make the beast beautiful. So I did.
I've been a massive fan of Sarah Wilson's for ages. Pre IQS days, pre book days. I was once feeling incredibly stressed and anxious at work and a workmate directed me to her blog (to this post, to be specific) and I've been following her ever since. There's a certain honesty to her writing and approach that I admire, and I love that she's doing her own things - authentically.
And now she's written a book:
There's a lot of things to love about the book. The cover is cute as a button. Her writing style is straight to the reader. It's full of actual facts - science-y ones! With real research! There are times you think she's INSIDE YOUR MIND. For those of us who dance with anxiety, that is.
The premise of this book is that you can turn your anxiety into a lovely, useful thing and live with it - and that's a great reason to read it alone. But I loved it was full of no nonsense ideas for people like us. Meditate. Have a morning routine. Be kind. But more accurately, it describes phenomena that I know we all feel - the racing mind, that just won't stop. The feeling or need to be always 'doing something.' Human being v. human doing.
You can read about the book in Wilson's own words here. But I can't recommend this book highly enough. If you're worrier, a non sleeping tosser and turner, a perfectionist thinking you need to get it all right. This book is for you.
And now she's written a book:
There's a lot of things to love about the book. The cover is cute as a button. Her writing style is straight to the reader. It's full of actual facts - science-y ones! With real research! There are times you think she's INSIDE YOUR MIND. For those of us who dance with anxiety, that is.
The premise of this book is that you can turn your anxiety into a lovely, useful thing and live with it - and that's a great reason to read it alone. But I loved it was full of no nonsense ideas for people like us. Meditate. Have a morning routine. Be kind. But more accurately, it describes phenomena that I know we all feel - the racing mind, that just won't stop. The feeling or need to be always 'doing something.' Human being v. human doing.
You can read about the book in Wilson's own words here. But I can't recommend this book highly enough. If you're worrier, a non sleeping tosser and turner, a perfectionist thinking you need to get it all right. This book is for you.
Sunday, 10 January 2016
How To Stay Sane.
Oh brother, have the last 48 hours not been my best.
Pregnancy can be a really alienating experience in many ways. I'm fortunate to have an unbelievably supportive partner and amazing friends who have made the journey really lovely and made me feel all warm and supported and full of excitement. But some days, particularly when I'm feeling some of the not-so-desirable symptoms of pregnancy (which I'll refrain from sharing with you, dear reader, because I'm sure you have a delicate constitution), it can feel like I'm slogging it out totally alone. Your body is feeling not so fab (especially if you are a person for whom exercise, healthy eating and feeling healthy and rested is of the utmost importance), and your brain goes into overdrive (I feel awful! If I feel like this now, how am I going to go with a baby? What if I can't cope? I hate feeling tired! I AM LOSING MY MIND).
This morning my lovely partner said to me 'yes, you feel like crap, but you're not crap. It's the difference between 'I feel bad' and 'I AM bad'. Notwithstanding that my husband had a pretty big night last night (so extra points for morning after, hungover philosophy which I could never muster up after a night on the tiles), this statement really resonated with me. I've been so caught up in my own head! It's really easy to confuse the transitory nature of thoughts and feelings with a sense of permanence (particularly if you have spent some of your evening tossing and turning and/or vomiting). I find I do this a lot - we all do - by confusing how we feel now with how we'll feel forever, and then spiralling into anxiety about the future.
Similarly, my best friend this afternoon (also hungover, hmm) gently informed me that there's very little point worrying now about whether or not I'll feel tired and overwhelmed when the baby comes. I probably will feel tired and overwhelmed at some points. Maybe not so much at other points. But there's certainly not much I can do about it now, right?
I picked up (read: stole from a mate's house) this little number this afternoon which sums this all up quite nicely (well, I think it does. I haven't quite finished it yet. You can get it here ).
As I say, I'm only a little way in, but it talks about the difference between feeling and being. In it, Phillipa Perry invites the reader to regularly take stock by engaging in what she calls a 'grounding exercise' which allows us to increase our self observation. To engage the grounding exercise, we effectively ask ourselves these questions:
I'll be following this practice for a week to see what impact it has. I'll report back next week! In other news, I'll be using this space for some more creative writing over the coming weeks (as opposed to random warbling), so look out!
Pregnancy can be a really alienating experience in many ways. I'm fortunate to have an unbelievably supportive partner and amazing friends who have made the journey really lovely and made me feel all warm and supported and full of excitement. But some days, particularly when I'm feeling some of the not-so-desirable symptoms of pregnancy (which I'll refrain from sharing with you, dear reader, because I'm sure you have a delicate constitution), it can feel like I'm slogging it out totally alone. Your body is feeling not so fab (especially if you are a person for whom exercise, healthy eating and feeling healthy and rested is of the utmost importance), and your brain goes into overdrive (I feel awful! If I feel like this now, how am I going to go with a baby? What if I can't cope? I hate feeling tired! I AM LOSING MY MIND).
This morning my lovely partner said to me 'yes, you feel like crap, but you're not crap. It's the difference between 'I feel bad' and 'I AM bad'. Notwithstanding that my husband had a pretty big night last night (so extra points for morning after, hungover philosophy which I could never muster up after a night on the tiles), this statement really resonated with me. I've been so caught up in my own head! It's really easy to confuse the transitory nature of thoughts and feelings with a sense of permanence (particularly if you have spent some of your evening tossing and turning and/or vomiting). I find I do this a lot - we all do - by confusing how we feel now with how we'll feel forever, and then spiralling into anxiety about the future.
Similarly, my best friend this afternoon (also hungover, hmm) gently informed me that there's very little point worrying now about whether or not I'll feel tired and overwhelmed when the baby comes. I probably will feel tired and overwhelmed at some points. Maybe not so much at other points. But there's certainly not much I can do about it now, right?
I picked up (read: stole from a mate's house) this little number this afternoon which sums this all up quite nicely (well, I think it does. I haven't quite finished it yet. You can get it here ).
As I say, I'm only a little way in, but it talks about the difference between feeling and being. In it, Phillipa Perry invites the reader to regularly take stock by engaging in what she calls a 'grounding exercise' which allows us to increase our self observation. To engage the grounding exercise, we effectively ask ourselves these questions:
“What am I feeling now?”
“What am I thinking now?”
“What am I doing at this moment?”
“How am I breathing?”
“What do I want for myself in this moment?
I'll be following this practice for a week to see what impact it has. I'll report back next week! In other news, I'll be using this space for some more creative writing over the coming weeks (as opposed to random warbling), so look out!
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