But in the last week or so, it's dawned on me that I resist a lot. Fighting, arguing, pushing back - fundamentally wanting things to be a different way than what they are. I traditionally use this to apply LOTS of pressure to myself - and others as well. I don't want to look like I've just had a baby. I don't want to feel tired all the time. I don't want to feel like I am responsible for all of the housework. I don't want my three year old to push her food away.
And herein lies the friction in my life - I'm always fighting. Nothing feels seamless. And then I started to realise - with acceptance and awareness - this is my reality. Right now. I don't have to say that I like certain things when I don't, I don't have to pretend I'm having a great time when I'm not - but I can observe what is and then gently and with kindness, accept things as they are now. In this minute / hour / day.
From this place of awareness and acceptance, I can then (again, gently and with kindness) start to observe from a more calm and objective place what I may not enjoy about the situation. I may use this as a platform to start to change or amend, or I may just decide that I accept it for what it is, now, at this stage in my life, and move on.
Seems so simple, right?
So with that in mind, I've started to pay close attention to what I'm resisting in my life right now. As I've done this, I've realised just how much there is and - hey presto - I've also realised why I feel tired, fighting, grumpy and niggly.
So here's a list of what I'v been resisting lately. I'll start to unpack these in future posts:
- my body - both the way it is post birth / pregnancy, but also the way it feels (achy, put out, ropey and rocky). I have resisted where my body is at post birth, resisted how it looks, how much weight I've been able to lose, how healthy I feel.
- my fitness - closely tied to the above
- my role as a mother - less so with my little one, but definitely with my older daughter, who I feel I am constantly in battle with over food, clothes, hair, behaviour. I've been resisting the challenges associated with, well, the challenges of raising an almost four year old. I've been wanting it to be different - I want A to eat her dinner, not argue at bed time, be better behaved.
- my relationship / marriage and where it at at this time.
- my tiredness and lack of sleep.
- my / our financial situation.
- our home / living situation.
- the constant (or seemingly constant) string of people / houseguests in our home.
- my mental load and the amount of housework I do
- my friendships - some of them
- my career and where I'm at in it.
- my creative life (or lack thereof).
It's a long list, hey. I look at it and think - wow. This is pretty much my whole reality, and I'm resisting nearly every aspect of it.
Now, I'm not saying for a moment I'm disempowering myself and accepting things long term that I fundamentally don't like. I can see that I need to change some things in this list, but now right now, in this moment. I can just accept them and explore them in this moment, and from there, gain the clarity around them I need. I'll start exploring these tomorrow.
