The addiction

I've often thought about how much I rely on my phone. Not so uncommon for someone in this day and age, and especially not so uncommon for a Gen Y. It's definitely something I notice - in myself, in my husband, in my sister, in my friends. 

As bad as I know it is, I often check my phone when I am in the car. I know, I know. Not only is it down right illegal, but it's unnecessary, distracting, and just plain silly. 

So I was given an awful wake up call this morning. 

I got into work and had the following discussion with a colleague. 

Him: Were you working from home this morning? 

Me: No, why? 

Him: Because I saw that you accepted my meeting request as soon as I sent it. 

Me: Oh. Yeah, I just accepted it on my phone. 

Him: When you were driving?

Me: (sheepishly). Yeah... I guess. 

At this point he laughs knowingly, so of course I get on the defensive and ask what he's laughing at. 

Him: Well, I'm not surprised you check your phone when you're driving. You're always on it!

Me: What do you mean? 

Him: Whenever I come into your office, you regularly check your phone. You'll often reply to texts and emails whilst we are talking. 

Me: Surely not. 

Him: Yes, definitely. 

Me: I don't do that!
Him: Yes, yes you do. 

Me: How frequently?  

Him: I'd say once every 5 minutes. You often interrupt the conversation to say 'hang on, I just need to reply to this', so I just wait until you're done. But then you've often forgotten what we were talking about.

I was mortified. Not because I interrupt conversations to do things on my smart phone (though that's pretty awful), but because I didn't even realise that I was doing it. It's so rude, and ironically, something I am really critical of in other people. 

So, wake up call received. I've told my colleague that the next time he comes in to talk, I'll be putting my phone in a drawer. 

Wish me luck! 

The stories we tell ourselves...

I have been thinking over the last few days about the stories we tell ourselves.

I'm a pretty highly strung person, so it's not uncommon for me to feel stressed, anxious, overwrought, busy, on edge (sounds delightful doesn't it?). But lately I've noticed that often, my tendency to experience these feelings is driven largely by own perceptions - specifically, the stories I tell myself  - rather than external stressors themselves.

My reasoning goes something like this....

I will feel stressed, overwhelmed, busy. I will start acting frantically, getting in a rush, worrying about how I am going to get it all done. Then I start multi tasking,  scribbling to do lists, juggling, trying to fit it all in. My day becomes an endless stream of open tabs, half finished emails, conversations that have trailed off because I'm already negotiating my next task in my mind. It's frustrating  - for me, and for the people around me (because as a result of this sort of behaviour, I have the attention span of a paperclip).

So, invariably, yes, that leads to more stress. And here's the kicker - it also often leads to guilt (for me anyway). You know the kind - when you read some awful story in the paper, and you feel dreadful because a natural disaster has wiped out dozens, hundreds of people on the other side of the world in a place you've never heard of, and here you are bitching about parking fines / your boss / the NBN dude not showing up on time (NOTE all actual examples of things I have complained about in the last week).

And then you feel like shit. Because you realised that you're not that busy, you've got no real reason to feel stressed, your problems are almost certainly of the first world variety.

So why are you stressed in first place?

It's the story. Not the to do list, or the NBN man, or the parking fine. It's the story that you tell yourself about those external things.

I can't believe that Bob wants me to finish that paper. If Bob wasn't so flanging incompetent I would have to step in and do the job - like I always do. 

I am so busy - I have no idea how I am going to get all this done. I need to finish this email, call that person, get stuff for dinner, pick up my dry cleaning - when does it end?

Why did I eat all that ice cream? What a fatty I am - and I won't be able to make it to the gym for two days because I have to work late. 

These are all thoughts that swirl around my mind - and I'd bet others' minds too (or variations thereof) - on a regular basis. As a result, I find myself stressed and overwhelmed even before I start doing what I think I need to do. I would wager that most people have a relatively consistent story that they tell themselves  - around being busy, about the only person who can get the job done right, about having no spare time, about being fat, about no one liking them. Makes for a self fulfilling prophecy, and a vicious and unhappy cycle.

So how to circumvent? Remind your brain that these are just stories. Aim to catch yourself out next time you tell the story.

There's that old story about everyone else being incompetent. 

It's my busy story!

Now I am telling myself that old story about being a fatty. 

It's not easy, but it works. And the brilliant thing is, once you've started to recognise the story, you can start to replace the story with facts, or, even better, replace it with a good story (Bob is asking for my help because he values my input, I can simply choose not do some of those tasks today, I ate the ice cream because ice cream is delicious and a sometimes food). 

I'm trying very hard to do this. I'm noticing that it has made me a lot calmer.

Now, I am off to eat some ice cream. Because it's delicious, and a sometimes food.

Don't worry, you can do anything you put your mind to - ANYTHING!

One of the wonderful things of living in a politically stable, wealthy first world society is the fact that most people (this is a generalisation, of course) don't need to spend a great deal of time worrying about how to obtain life's basics - food, water and shelter.  Rather, we tend to spend our time aiming for higher level achievements - promotions at work, starting small businesses, pursuing creative interests.

To this end, one of the concepts that has firmly entered the zeitgeist as we have become more and more privileged is the idea of limitlessness. You can do anything! Believe in yourself! Anything is possible! 

Of course, this is fantastic on many levels - there's something to be said for self belief and determination and undoubtedly, that has led to more and more positive developments in our society as people are empowered by their own abilities to make a difference. Bravo, I say.

But on the downside, this way of thinking can lead to some pretty depressing consequences at times. When we are surrounded by messaging that tells us we can do anything, there's a nagging - and persistent -  voice for many that insistently whispers 'you can do anything with your life - and you're doing this? Why aren't you finishing that novel / starting that organic skin care business / developing a cure for cancer?'

Perhaps my inner brain is more critical than other peoples' (let's not open that can of worms!), but it's a trap that I think many people fall into and I'm certainly no exception. There can be a real feeling of failure and disappointment when you're reading inspiring stories about people who follow their dreams. Yes, those people are amazing, and for the most part, inspiring, but if you happen to reflect about these inspiring stories at a time when you're feeling hollow in your job or other aspect of your life, it can leave you feeling like you're not good enough. Alain de Botton touches on this in his excellent Ted talk. He talks about contemplating life on a Sunday evenings, where the gap between your hopes and dreams for your life and your reality seems insurmountable. The upshot of this is that we are left shaking our heads, wondering what went wrong and why you couldn't achieve all those things that you once set out to.

The other aspect (again, see the Ted talk) of our 'you can do anything society' is the implication that we can all do anything we set our minds to, and ergo, those who are living in poverty or hardship are somehow complicit in their failure - because, hey, if they'd followed their dreams and never quit, surely they would be super rich, and successful, right?

Because all it takes is determination...

So what's the upshot of all this? I'm not suggesting we shoot for the middle so that we avoid feelings of disappointment. I (for the most part) completely agree with self determination and the thought that a little tenacity and hard work can get you a long way. But there's a difference between dreaming big and beating yourself up for failures - perceived or otherwise. Maybe, when the gap between your reality and dreams seems huge, instead of thinking about how big the gap is, think about how far you've already come. I'd wager a guess that thinking about all the achievements in your life will give you far more inspiration than you thought.