Perfectionism v. striving for your best

I'm writing a blog post today which shamelessly expands on a topic discussed by Brene Brown (you can listen to interview she gave on my new favourite podcast - Being Boss - here), where she delves i into the conversation about the difference between perfectionism and striving (the former being not great, with the latter apparently better). She makes the point that being 'perfect' in the world will not protect you from shame, hurt, vulnerability or heartache, because those conditions are universal to all humans.

She further captures this concept of being perfect by saying that it's akin to carrying around a 20 tonne shield. Exhausting, right? To differentiate between these things, she notes that perfectionism is (amongst other things) something that we do for others. To appear a certain way.

I get this. Hard. I carry around that shield, lugging it from home to work to the gym to the shops and to see friends and with my daughter. It's bloody tiring and at it's hard, it's about avoidance - avoidance of those feelings of shame, vulnerability and failure. That if I keep running and striving and trying that I will be immune from those feelings.

I try now to distinguish this from striving for personal reasons. To realise your potential, to feel as though you're aligned with your values, to feel as though you're working with purpose. Those are all intrinsic motivations, things that are special to me but may or may not please others.

It's often very hard to focus on these things. In a world where we are more attune than ever to others' opinions of us, and more attune to others living in their world of striving or perfectionism, it can be really hard to justify doing things just because you're intrinsically motivated to do them.

In any case, this is how I define the difference between striving and perfectionism. The former is what I do to realise my potential, the latter is something that I do to keep my head above water and be 'seen' by others. It's a fool's errand as well. Because you pursue perfectionism thinking that there will be a magic point at which 'perfectionism' will be achieved  - when you've lost that weight, redone your kitchen, cleaned the laundry - and it won't. There will always be more, and you / I will never be done with it. It becomes insidious.

So how to unhook from this? I'm about to read Brene's book the Gifts of Imperfection... stay tuned.

An exercise in overwhelm

I've been feeling overwhelmed lately, particularly as a juggle the return to work with small person with uni with life. The juggle itself isn't so bad, it's more the feeling that I'm peddling hard and not feeling as though I'm getting anywhere. I'm guessing this is a common enough feeling in today's day and age - the lingering, yearning feeling that you've never done quite enough, that there are milestones and things to achieve that remain ever out of reach and elusive. How to combat this feeling? Do we meditate diligently and tell ourselves that we are 'enough'? Do we organise more efficiently, ensuring that we've allocated enough time to each area of our life? I must confess, I'm bad at this in the sense that I'm not a great prioritiser. From way back, pre baby, I relentlessly took on everything - social engagements, projects, things around the house, work stuff, responsibilities. Every fucking thing. In previous times in my life, I've had more time to spare and so I could fit all the 'stuff' in - albeit uncomfortably - to avoid having to really sit with myself too often.

And the thing is, I still have this inclination (to take on everything) but less time in general. And instead of saying no, or de-prioritising, I'm just spending a lot of time over engaging with every little thing that pops up.

I have no magic ideas as to how to combat this. I know that there are some obvious first ports of call - define my values, say no more often - but I can't help but feel that it goes deeper than that, to a sense of needing to be overly engaged in the world to make sure that I'm 'okay'.

Sarah Wilson told me to make the beast beautiful. So I did.

I've been a massive fan of Sarah Wilson's for ages. Pre IQS days, pre book days. I was once feeling incredibly stressed and anxious at work and a workmate directed me to her blog (to this post, to be specific) and I've been following her ever since. There's a certain honesty to her writing and approach that I admire, and I love that she's doing her own things - authentically.

And now she's written a book:

There's a lot of things to love about the book. The cover is cute as a button. Her writing style is straight to the reader. It's full of actual facts - science-y ones! With real research! There are times you think she's INSIDE YOUR MIND. For those of us who dance with anxiety, that is.

The premise of this book is that you can turn your anxiety into a lovely, useful thing and live with it - and that's a great reason to read it alone. But I loved it was full of no nonsense ideas for people like us. Meditate. Have a morning routine. Be kind. But more accurately, it describes phenomena that I know we all feel - the racing mind, that just won't stop. The feeling or need to be always 'doing something.' Human being v. human doing.

You can read about the book in Wilson's own words here. But I can't recommend this book highly enough. If you're worrier, a non sleeping tosser and turner, a perfectionist thinking you need to get it all right. This book is for you.