The addiction

I've often thought about how much I rely on my phone. Not so uncommon for someone in this day and age, and especially not so uncommon for a Gen Y. It's definitely something I notice - in myself, in my husband, in my sister, in my friends. 

As bad as I know it is, I often check my phone when I am in the car. I know, I know. Not only is it down right illegal, but it's unnecessary, distracting, and just plain silly. 

So I was given an awful wake up call this morning. 

I got into work and had the following discussion with a colleague. 

Him: Were you working from home this morning? 

Me: No, why? 

Him: Because I saw that you accepted my meeting request as soon as I sent it. 

Me: Oh. Yeah, I just accepted it on my phone. 

Him: When you were driving?

Me: (sheepishly). Yeah... I guess. 

At this point he laughs knowingly, so of course I get on the defensive and ask what he's laughing at. 

Him: Well, I'm not surprised you check your phone when you're driving. You're always on it!

Me: What do you mean? 

Him: Whenever I come into your office, you regularly check your phone. You'll often reply to texts and emails whilst we are talking. 

Me: Surely not. 

Him: Yes, definitely. 

Me: I don't do that!
Him: Yes, yes you do. 

Me: How frequently?  

Him: I'd say once every 5 minutes. You often interrupt the conversation to say 'hang on, I just need to reply to this', so I just wait until you're done. But then you've often forgotten what we were talking about.

I was mortified. Not because I interrupt conversations to do things on my smart phone (though that's pretty awful), but because I didn't even realise that I was doing it. It's so rude, and ironically, something I am really critical of in other people. 

So, wake up call received. I've told my colleague that the next time he comes in to talk, I'll be putting my phone in a drawer. 

Wish me luck! 

The stories we tell ourselves...

I have been thinking over the last few days about the stories we tell ourselves.

I'm a pretty highly strung person, so it's not uncommon for me to feel stressed, anxious, overwrought, busy, on edge (sounds delightful doesn't it?). But lately I've noticed that often, my tendency to experience these feelings is driven largely by own perceptions - specifically, the stories I tell myself  - rather than external stressors themselves.

My reasoning goes something like this....

I will feel stressed, overwhelmed, busy. I will start acting frantically, getting in a rush, worrying about how I am going to get it all done. Then I start multi tasking,  scribbling to do lists, juggling, trying to fit it all in. My day becomes an endless stream of open tabs, half finished emails, conversations that have trailed off because I'm already negotiating my next task in my mind. It's frustrating  - for me, and for the people around me (because as a result of this sort of behaviour, I have the attention span of a paperclip).

So, invariably, yes, that leads to more stress. And here's the kicker - it also often leads to guilt (for me anyway). You know the kind - when you read some awful story in the paper, and you feel dreadful because a natural disaster has wiped out dozens, hundreds of people on the other side of the world in a place you've never heard of, and here you are bitching about parking fines / your boss / the NBN dude not showing up on time (NOTE all actual examples of things I have complained about in the last week).

And then you feel like shit. Because you realised that you're not that busy, you've got no real reason to feel stressed, your problems are almost certainly of the first world variety.

So why are you stressed in first place?

It's the story. Not the to do list, or the NBN man, or the parking fine. It's the story that you tell yourself about those external things.

I can't believe that Bob wants me to finish that paper. If Bob wasn't so flanging incompetent I would have to step in and do the job - like I always do. 

I am so busy - I have no idea how I am going to get all this done. I need to finish this email, call that person, get stuff for dinner, pick up my dry cleaning - when does it end?

Why did I eat all that ice cream? What a fatty I am - and I won't be able to make it to the gym for two days because I have to work late. 

These are all thoughts that swirl around my mind - and I'd bet others' minds too (or variations thereof) - on a regular basis. As a result, I find myself stressed and overwhelmed even before I start doing what I think I need to do. I would wager that most people have a relatively consistent story that they tell themselves  - around being busy, about the only person who can get the job done right, about having no spare time, about being fat, about no one liking them. Makes for a self fulfilling prophecy, and a vicious and unhappy cycle.

So how to circumvent? Remind your brain that these are just stories. Aim to catch yourself out next time you tell the story.

There's that old story about everyone else being incompetent. 

It's my busy story!

Now I am telling myself that old story about being a fatty. 

It's not easy, but it works. And the brilliant thing is, once you've started to recognise the story, you can start to replace the story with facts, or, even better, replace it with a good story (Bob is asking for my help because he values my input, I can simply choose not do some of those tasks today, I ate the ice cream because ice cream is delicious and a sometimes food). 

I'm trying very hard to do this. I'm noticing that it has made me a lot calmer.

Now, I am off to eat some ice cream. Because it's delicious, and a sometimes food.

Don't worry, you can do anything you put your mind to - ANYTHING!

One of the wonderful things of living in a politically stable, wealthy first world society is the fact that most people (this is a generalisation, of course) don't need to spend a great deal of time worrying about how to obtain life's basics - food, water and shelter.  Rather, we tend to spend our time aiming for higher level achievements - promotions at work, starting small businesses, pursuing creative interests.

To this end, one of the concepts that has firmly entered the zeitgeist as we have become more and more privileged is the idea of limitlessness. You can do anything! Believe in yourself! Anything is possible! 

Of course, this is fantastic on many levels - there's something to be said for self belief and determination and undoubtedly, that has led to more and more positive developments in our society as people are empowered by their own abilities to make a difference. Bravo, I say.

But on the downside, this way of thinking can lead to some pretty depressing consequences at times. When we are surrounded by messaging that tells us we can do anything, there's a nagging - and persistent -  voice for many that insistently whispers 'you can do anything with your life - and you're doing this? Why aren't you finishing that novel / starting that organic skin care business / developing a cure for cancer?'

Perhaps my inner brain is more critical than other peoples' (let's not open that can of worms!), but it's a trap that I think many people fall into and I'm certainly no exception. There can be a real feeling of failure and disappointment when you're reading inspiring stories about people who follow their dreams. Yes, those people are amazing, and for the most part, inspiring, but if you happen to reflect about these inspiring stories at a time when you're feeling hollow in your job or other aspect of your life, it can leave you feeling like you're not good enough. Alain de Botton touches on this in his excellent Ted talk. He talks about contemplating life on a Sunday evenings, where the gap between your hopes and dreams for your life and your reality seems insurmountable. The upshot of this is that we are left shaking our heads, wondering what went wrong and why you couldn't achieve all those things that you once set out to.

The other aspect (again, see the Ted talk) of our 'you can do anything society' is the implication that we can all do anything we set our minds to, and ergo, those who are living in poverty or hardship are somehow complicit in their failure - because, hey, if they'd followed their dreams and never quit, surely they would be super rich, and successful, right?

Because all it takes is determination...

So what's the upshot of all this? I'm not suggesting we shoot for the middle so that we avoid feelings of disappointment. I (for the most part) completely agree with self determination and the thought that a little tenacity and hard work can get you a long way. But there's a difference between dreaming big and beating yourself up for failures - perceived or otherwise. Maybe, when the gap between your reality and dreams seems huge, instead of thinking about how big the gap is, think about how far you've already come. I'd wager a guess that thinking about all the achievements in your life will give you far more inspiration than you thought.

Small wins, little things.

After my last post (in which I was clearly expressing a little frustration), I had a small win at work. Nothing big, but just a small confirmation that speaking up and standing up for what's right can actually yield some rewards. A good feeling indeed.

So with that small win in mind, I'm trying to spend less time ranting and more time expressing gratitude for things making me happy this week:

• our new neighbourhood in Brunswick, which is honestly one of the best places in the world, to me (after having been here for three weeks) 
• Lucy Lockett, for my morning coffee, and finally, this morning, for breakfast. 
• finally having my first session of osteopathy at Brunswick Osteopathy and Acupuncture which has already made my back feel a thousand times better
• this video, and this one, both of which make me laugh every time
• St Trinian's, the move. Hilarious. 

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, sure, but it also makes you batshit fucking crazy.

I've often contemplated the merits of the phrase 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger', and think about the gamut of human achievement - all the feats that people have achieved over the history of time (well, come to it, not even over the history of time - at this very moment, there are people probably smashing physical / mental / emotional / intellectual / scientific barriers when all I have done is eat a mini Magnum and watch some QI on TV, but I digress).

There's some weight, sure, in the argument that all those challenges, adversities, tough moments become defining moments.  I myself have always subscribed (with some things anyway) to the theory that what doesn't kill you DOES make you stronger. In many ways, would not describe myself as a quitter. This leads to some interesting and perhaps unintended consequences, because surely, there is a balance to be struck between stretching / challenging oneself and allowing oneself to languish in a situation that is clearly untenable.

(I should caveat in some way that I AM a quitter at some things - baking, Futsal, pretending to understand how Donnie Darko ended, newspaper delivery routes, playing the flute - but despite all this, my little brain still agrees that it would be much better had I not given up, and berates me on a daily basis for quitting those things whilst conjuring situations in which I would have regaled everything with my homemade biscotti whilst playing Che Gelida Manina from La Boheme on my flute, to critical acclaim).

Mostly, when it comes to my career, I find it difficult to be a quitter. I find it difficult to admit that enough is enough, that something isn't working. I'm not sure why - whether it's because of my gold star seeking, people pleasing nature, or whether it's deeper that that - say, because I am inherently fickle in nature and am never quite sure of how serious the problem is (for example, within a single week, I am likely to oscillate between loving my job and considering quitting my job in an extraorindarily dramatic fashion - think all staff emails telling everyone what I really think of my boss and showing up to work in a tutu, drunk on tequila and announcing my resignation).

Either which way, I am having trouble discerning whether or not my current career choice is making me stronger. Actually, no. I am aware that it's making me more resilient, skilled and confident (albeit more stressed). But is there a point at which you step back and say 'yeah, sure, what doesn't kill me makes me stronger, but hey, I am going batshit fucking crazy in the process.'

Because, frankly, that's the way I think I'm heading sometimes. Getting slightly less patient with things, rushing things where I once would have taken time, forgetting things that I would normally remember, feeling physically tense and tired. So whilst it might be making me stronger and not killing me (not in the literal sense of the word, of course), is it possible that I am doing myself some long term damage? Or is it just time to toughen up, think of all the people dealing with things that are far worse, and carry on?

Solidarity and what happens when you don't have it

So after my post of last week, the very next day in fact, I caught up with a professional acquaintance for a coffee. I have met this lady only once or twice, face to face, but I spoke to her just before Christmas (about a job offer, actually, but that's a story for another day) and she suggested we catch up for a coffee in the new year.

As an aside, this is the sort of stuff that makes me feel really vulnerable. Even though it was her idea to have a coffee and swap notes, I cycled through some interesting feelings when I texted her - I actually put it off for days. What if she thinks I am an idiot? What if she was only offering to have coffee to be nice? What if I am annoying her? This happens to me a lot.

It was a timely follow on to this post. When we caught up with spoke about a bunch of issues in our industry, gossiped about who had moved where and who had quit what. But, inevitably, we got to the issue of how we struggle with certain perceptions / issues in the work place as as woman.

The same questions I had asked myself - how many times do I have to fight? Haven't I proven myself enough by now for you to respect me without me having to stamp my feet? If I get angry and pull you into line, am I going to perceived as emotional? - were the same ones she was grappling with, and nowhere nearer to drawing a conclusion than I was.

So of course, we both commented that it was fantastic to know that someone else was going through these issues, that there was someone else out there that we could feel solidarity with, knowing that these challenges arise for most people. A wonderful feeling, in many respects, however, it left me with a slightly niggling feeling - in the two hours that we caught up, we shared swapped war tales of some pretty untoward treatment - but, you know, at least we had someone who could offer a sympathetic ear and knew how fucked up this kind of behaviour is.

It disturbed me - not because we both had some stories (concerning as that is), but because I thought of all the other people (not just women) who are marginalised in the workplace  - for their gender, religion, race, sexual preference, whatever - who don't have anyone to turn to, no one to compare notes with ? I know that there are lots of resources in Australia that promote workplace fairness in a bunch of ways - and I'm thankful for that - but what about people who don't even realise that they are being unfairly exploited or treated, and may not necessarily be aware of the agencies out there to provide assistance? This article immediately sprung to my mind:

http://www.theage.com.au/victoria/fair-work-investigates-claims-massage-parlour-fined-staff-for-running-late-20150119-12t48j.html

Pretty damning, right? Imagine being fined $100 for showing up late to work, and what's more, thinking that this is a either 1) a perfectly legitimate work place practice or 2) pretty unfair, but I can't say anything or I'll lose my job.

It infuriates me to think that this sort of thing is happening in Australia.

Everyday sexism

Late last year I read Laura Bates' excellent book, Everyday Sexism, which (I believe) stems from her Everyday Sexism project. As I read the book, I recoiled in horror at the awful stories of overt and disgusting treatment of women and pondered how lucky I was that I had (mostly) avoided these sorts of incidents in my own life. However, as I've stopped to reflect - particularly in my new role, where I am the only woman in senior management within the company - I've realised all the insidious, covert ways in which women are exposed to less than savoury treatment, particularly in the work place.

Please don't get me wrong - in a world where women are marginalised, fighting to vote, being forced into domestic / sexual servitude, suffering violence at the hands of their partners, being paid considerably less than their male peers,  I don't mean to imply that I have got it bad. I know  - and thoroughly appreciate - that I am living as a privileged young woman in an exceedingly wealthy country, a country which has excellent social safeguards and opportunities for those who want them.

The thing that strikes me more is that most - if not all - covert sexism, particularly at work - isn't malicious, planned, strategic, or even particularly considered. It just ... happens. Why? Generational issues, yes, to some extent? The presence or influence of a few particularly macho or blokey guys? People in positions of privilege or seniority who are just used to women being administrative assistants?

Whatever it is, I realised I have had jack of it today when, as the second most senior person in my company, an external consultant sent me a copy of a powerpoint presentation and asked me to transfer it to a company template for PPT slides and to please put them on a projector for him to present. At a meeting which I was not attending.

Now, this may not seem like much, but to give you context, this person:

• actively discouraged the recruit of a woman into a senior role because of 'issues' in her personal life
• has asked me to set up meetings for him on his behalf after giving me a copy of his diary 
• has told our managing director that he thinks I should be taking minutes in various senior     committees (as an aside, I have been involved in these committees as part of my role, not simply to take minutes, and each of these committees is attended by other staff - men - equal to, or more junior than me). 

I don't want to seem precious, or as though I am not a team player. I am normally a person who loves to help out and willingly do so. However, I'm always a bit miffed when I think such assistance is EXPECTED by virtue of my gender.  As a friend pointed out to me, this particular person wouldn't dream of asking one of our male managers to undertake these tasks. 

These things have led me to consider the broader undesirable treatment I have received in the last 8 months in my role. Again, nothing serious from my perspective - I am pretty confident standing up for myself and call out this stuff when I see it. I once told a person  to leave a meeting for not giving me the respect I deserved.  Overall, I still find my role challenging and exciting and enjoyable. But here are some examples (and to be fair, I think some of these may be also partly the result  of me being YOUNG and a woman. I am on a management team where the next person - age wise  - would be 20 years my senior): 

• After telling a colleague that I wouldn't be changing my name (after getting married), having him roll his eyes and say 'oh - you're one of THOSE girls'.
• Having the same colleague size me up in the weeks before my wedding and say 'you're getting TOO thin now. Time to put on some weight'. Comments about my weight - and appearance - are par for the course. Never insulting or rude, just always..... noted. 
• Being consistently spoken over in meetings by a male colleague whenever I raise a point he doesn't want to hear (hence my comment above about asking someone to leave a meeting)
• Having my boss try and talk me out of a pay rise because people my age are 'cannon fodder' in this industry, implying that I should shut up and accept my salary (I didn't), which albeit, is not specific to my gender and perhaps more accurately alludes to my age, but I firmly believe that he would never have made these comments to a male colleague.
• Being told that a potential hire had 'tickets on herself' for asking a salary that was the going market rate.
• Struggling to work out a laptop / projector combination and having a male colleague say 'it's because you're a woman!!'

I'm not even covering off the whole list here. These are just some highlights. 

So I understand if you're reading this, it may appear that I am a pushover and maybe not standing up for myself in the workplace. But the thing is, that's just not the case. I fight. I pushback. I say 'no' when I am asked to do administrative tasks which are not my role.  I even say no rather bluntly, with no apology. I'm known as a little feisty, a little bossy and a great leader (I'm not blowing my own trumpet here). 

So my question is - do you stay and keep fighting, hoping that you're making things better for women in that business further down the track (noting of course than in my workplace, all the other women  - in my business - and there's not that many of them -  are in customer service, or other administrative roles), or do you deduce that this place is incredibly backward, a regressive boiling pot of dinosaurs who should be left to dig their own graves in a world that is rapidly changing?

I guess that's a question for another day. I only know this  - some days being in charge and not tolerating shit from people makes me feel positively energised and other days, like today, you wonder whether or not you're fighting a losing battle.