Radical acceptance - what are you resisting?

I've had an epiphany the last few days - and I'm super late to this party - but I'm coming around to the concept of radical acceptance. I'd always shunned this idea - why accept things that are shitty/undesirable/unsustainable/bad for you /toxic? Isn't that just, well, lazy? In my mind it's always conjured up images of me mainlining pizza under the name of 'accepting' myself.


But in the last week or so, it's dawned on me that I resist a lot. Fighting, arguing, pushing back - fundamentally wanting things to be a different way than what they are. I traditionally use this to apply LOTS of pressure to myself - and others as well. I don't want to look like I've just had a baby. I don't want to feel tired all the time. I don't want to feel like I am responsible for all of the housework. I don't want my three year old to push her food away.

And herein lies the friction in my life - I'm always fighting. Nothing feels seamless. And then I started to realise - with acceptance and awareness  - this is my reality. Right now. I don't have to say that I like certain things when I don't, I don't have to pretend I'm having a great time when I'm not - but I can observe what is and then gently and with kindness, accept things as they are now. In this minute / hour / day.

From this place of awareness and acceptance, I can then (again, gently and with kindness) start to observe from a more calm and objective place what I may not enjoy about the situation. I may use this as a platform to start to change or amend, or I may just decide that I accept it for what it is, now, at this stage in my life, and move on.

Seems so simple, right?

So with that in mind, I've started to pay close attention to what I'm resisting in my life right now. As I've done this, I've realised just how much there is and - hey presto - I've also realised why I feel tired, fighting, grumpy and niggly.

So here's a list of what I'v been resisting lately. I'll start to unpack these in future posts:

• my body - both the way it is post birth / pregnancy, but also the way it feels (achy, put out, ropey and rocky).  I have resisted where my body is at post birth, resisted how it looks, how much weight I've been able to lose, how healthy I feel. 
• my fitness  - closely tied to the above
• my role as a mother - less so with my little one, but definitely with my older daughter, who I feel I am constantly in battle with over food, clothes, hair, behaviour.  I've been resisting the challenges associated with, well, the challenges of raising an almost four year old. I've been wanting it to be different - I want A to eat her dinner, not argue at bed time, be better behaved. 
• my relationship / marriage and where it at at this time. 
• my tiredness and lack of sleep. 
• my / our financial situation.
• our home / living situation. 
• the constant (or seemingly constant) string of people / houseguests in our home. 
• my mental load and the amount of housework I do
• my friendships - some of them 
• my career and where I'm at in it.
• my creative life (or lack thereof). 

It's a long list, hey. I look at it and think - wow. This is pretty much my whole reality, and I'm resisting nearly every aspect of it. 

Now, I'm not saying for a moment I'm disempowering myself and accepting things long term that I fundamentally don't like. I can see that I need to change some things in this list, but now right now, in this moment. I can just accept them and explore them in this moment, and from there, gain the clarity around them I need. I'll start exploring these tomorrow. 

The Little Voice Inside My Head

I’m sure I’m not pronouncing anything revelatory to the world here (and especially not to most working mothers), but hot damn, I beat myself up a lot and god, it’s just shit isn’t it?

This is the Little Voice inside my brain which, on a day to day basis, berates me about my life and my perceived failing(s) - my patchy gym attendance, my not-so-patchy wine and coffee consumption, my lack of creativity in the kitchen of late (my child was just given a piece of toast for lunch), the state of of the fridge (scientifically promising for perhaps a CSIRO team looking to name new strains of bacteria, not promising for the purposes of sustaining human life). That’s before I get on to the actual problems of the world – the grim state of life for most of the world’s women, the rise of populism, lack of independent media, and the fact that the planet will be dead by the time that my daughter considers bearing children of her own.

Now, I’m going to park (for now) what I know is the obvious theme here – the low level shit listed about are primarily the concerns of women, and that men don’t worry about this stuff. I know – I KNOW -  that I could (and should) ignore that Little Voice that whispers about my lack of underarm muscle tone whilst I jiggle the bit under my arm in my the mirror and think sadly that swimsuit season is almost upon us.

And most of the time, I try to. But sometimes that Little Voice hooks into something touchy – from my past, for example -  and hey presto, I’m on a full on felling-shit spiral.

Today I was hanging photographs from a recent family portrait. Now, that sounds lovely doesn’t it? Yep, sure. But said hanging was the result of months of the Little Voice in my brain (why did you even get the portraits done if you weren’t going to use them? They’ve been patiently waiting to be hung for weeks! And your walls are so bare. It looks like no one even lives here. What about creating hygge, you idiot?  That’s it – it needs to be done now. Not tomorrow or in five minutes. NOW. Yes, now even though it’s 10 minutes until toddler lunch time and you are actually in the middle of five other tasks).

So of course, I hang the portraits and then realise that one isn’t quite where I want to be (because I was in a hurry, you see). And so I rip it down from the wall, and in doing so, rip a chunk of paint of the wall (we are in a rental. YES!). Not a large chunk of paint, you understand, but enough to leave a mark on the wall and a scream in my head.

Now, the thing this has touched on for me…. My mother used to criticise me (not unfairly) for lacking patience. She had/has this theory that once I had decided something needed to be done, I would do it immediately (or nag others until I was done immediately) and in doing so, often do a shitty job.

And that’s exactly what happened today. I’m impatient because I fight the nagging voice in my head, and then finally, angrily, give into it, only to do a slap dash job of said task, and then feel angry and frustrated for doing it wrong, hence fuelling the voice even further.

And so what did I do after ripping the paint off? Did I sit back, and have a little chuckle and a cup of tea, only to think ‘oh well, I guess that’ll just come out of the bond.’

Of course not. I berated myself, whilst trying to appease the Little Voice (which was becoming a rather large voice) by making a salad, putting on a load of washing, trying to type some work emails, and vacuuming the floor. All at once.

Because there’s nothing like running to avoid any feeling of disappointment or vulnerability, eh?

Fuck that little voice inside my head.

I don't want to be a cranky mum..

A quote from what is arguably one of the best shows about parenting, The Letdown.


You know when you have a stressful or tiring day at work - you know right? YOU KNOW. Days where it's just difficult, draining or demoralising and you just want to come home and eat BBQ Shapes whilst sobbing over an emotional proposal video on You Tube.

BC (before child) I would just flop home, potter around, cook dinner, be alone if I needed to. My husband often got home after I did, so I had some time to myself, or I could go to the gym on the way home to burn off some pent up frustration. Or you know, eat BBQ Shapes.

And to be honest, there's still much time to do this stuff - after the pick up time, dinner time, bath time, story time - after bed time is finally negotiated (now that I have finally finished uni). But the gap between work and bed time is so tough sometimes - and especially when you've had a long day.

And it's on these days that -  like a ninja - your child just seems to know (or picks up on some slight agitation in you, sure) and seems to respond accordingly - tears, tantrums, obstinance, and you just feel very... well, grumpy and like MUMMY JUST NEEDS YOU TO PUT ON YOUR PJs.

I don't want to be a cranky Mum. I try really hard to not 'bring work home' so that I can be a present parent and partner. And I would say, on the whole, when your job makes you feel gritty and tired and on edge ALL THE TIME, it's probably a sign that something is amiss.

But there are some days when I just feel really grumpy and find myself trying hard not to snap at Audrey.

How do people cope with this? Deep breaths? Trying to put a buffer between work and home? My little one is far too young to understand the concept of 'work' so I can't really explain that I've had a rough day.

Any tips in this area would be amazing x

Unwitting energy vampires

As I have started a new role, I am clearly meeting new people. On the whole, I like my new job a lot - larger companies with proper departments for things, great boss, friendly and capable colleagues.

The thing is with my company, though, is that it has seen a lot of change in recent years. Some major acquisitions, new board members and senior staff, and an influx of 80 staff to a team of around 25, along with a transition to a new CEO from one who was, well, 'autocratic' would be the generous term.

The end result of this is that there's been tumultuous change which has created 'history'. Everyone in the company - or at least, everyone who has been there for a while - is keen to tell me about the history, or sometimes, put in other diplomatic terms - 'context', or insights. I find these things useful to the extent that they provide perspective, but these have sometimes devolved into politics.

On that topic, I have a new colleague who (awkwardly) is actually doing the role I've been hired for. She is a contractor selected by the board for a discrete piece of work (which she has very ably delivered in trying circumstances), but it was decided (by who, I'm not sure) that she's not the right longer term fit for the business - hence, my appointment.

Now, she has taken this extremely well. I think she may be somewhat confused, but has coped with integrity and is still clearly committed to getting great outcomes for the business. Brava.

The thing is with this woman... she is an energy vampire and doesn't know it.

She is extremely engaging, knowledgable and hard working. However, in the few short days I've been working with her, I feel like a need a Stackhat and a packed lunch for every meeting, and after every interaction, well, sometimes I could take a nap.

She's just flying around, a million miles a minute, and so involved with  - and obsessed over - every tiny piece of detail which I'm not sure matters. She makes things needlessly complex and loves gossip or 'uncovering' dramas or issues. Nearly every conversation I have had with her - even ones that are driven by simple questions - devolve into whispers and eventually end in a private meeting room where she can tell me 'what's really going on'.

I don't think she deliberately sets out to be confrontational or intense, but she is. And it's reminding me of one of my new career resolutions - thou shalt not give away emotional energy. To manage this, I actually (subtly of course) imagine a barrier between her and I where I can hear what she's saying but not engage too much.

Any tips for people like this? The above tactic is working somewhat, but I feel like she's encroaching on my time in such an unproductive way!

The new rules for working (and maybe life too)

As I move into the second half of 2018, I have had great occasion to reflect on the first half of the year. By the end of June, I had resigned my job, finished my MBA, been through some very intense periods at work (audit, restructure), and felt, well, pretty exhausted.

On Monday, I'll commence a new role, perhaps the most challenging and senior of my career. Given that my tendency is to 'carry' work quite heavily,  I've spent my month off (yes, that's right, a month!) thinking about how I create a happier and more productive relationship with work. My last role had many positives - great people, flexible working arrangements - but I felt constantly frustrated, burnt out, unrecognised and under the pump. The 18 months I spent in the role (not long in the grand scheme of things) saw me hurtling from one thing to the next, frantically trying to be all things to all people, putting out fires and making myself overly available. Whilst I can put some of these down to the environment (understaffed, low resourced start up, my job being a mix of 5 different things), I can also say with some honesty that much of my state of mind and attitude was due to my behaviours, attitudes and belief.

I'm hoping to achieve a new way of showing up to work and doing a fantastic job whilst not feeling like it's sucking me dry and causing me unnecessary stress and overwhelm. My last job got to the point where I often couldn't sleep, such was my stress, and going to work every day (even when trying to put myself in a positive mindset) became something I dreaded. This was for a range of reasons - some unproductive working relationships, a lack of alignment between my values and those of my employer, feeling as though I needed to 'get everything done', despite feeling exhausted, and feeling on the whole unrecognised and taken advantage of (salary wise).

So, to that end, I've thought about how I am going to show up to my new role and hopefully create some much needed space between the work and 'who I am' - historically, this has been challenging for me. Here's my ten commandments for my new role and the next 12 months.

1. Though shalt not over engage emotionally at work (or in life).

In my old role, I had a habit of taking things personally which simply weren't personal. In my capacity as a informal mentor, I often tell my mentees that work 'isn't personal'. When it comes to working conditions, salaries and career progression, sometimes what you are looking for will align with what your employer is looking for. Sometimes it won't. This is why we sometimes can get paid more for doing the same role in a different company - the new company might put a monetary value on some of your skills that your current company does not. It's not personal, and it's certainly not something that you should feel emotional about. Sure, it might be disappointing and frustrating, but we don't need to dwell on it. We can have feelings about work without fixating on it. Listen to those feelings - if you're having them more often than not, it could be time for change - but try and save your emotional energy for things that matter (family, friends and self).

2. Though shalt not gossip.

Okay, I'm guilty of this. I won't go into detail on this because it's fairly self explanatory, but I'll say this - once people see that you're up for a nasty gossip, it's very hard to undo that perception. My new boss described someone in my new company as being 'a bit of a gossip' and it didn't create a positive impression. It rarely does.

3. Though shalt take time and energy for creative pursuits.

Over the last year, I thought I didn't have time for writing. When I reflect on this, I realise I had plenty of time (perhaps I just needed to grab it more fully), but I often lacked the energy  - that is,  after I was done working, studying, parenting, being a friend and wife, doing housework, exercising - all I could do was crawl up for a big nap. It's an important lesson - it's not just time but energy we expend. This year, I'm dedicating 10 minutes a day to writing with a larger chunk on Friday mornings, and 5 minutes of Spanish and weekly singing lessons.

4. Though shalt place 'space' between stimuli and response.

I have a life long habit of 'jumping in' to solve problems, put out fires, respond to emails, make sure that I am taking action. No more. After doing this for 35 years, I've realised three things 1. most things that seem urgent aren't. 2. the brief feeling of satisfaction at 'actioning' something isn't worth the cost of constantly juggling emails, texts, tasks and 3. a bit of space can be a good thing for the thought process (not to mention soul) and leads to less mistakes.

5. Though shalt not multi task.

I won't delve into this one, suffice to say that it is now well researched that it doesn't make us more productive. I will give myself an exception for music / podcasts when travelling / walking. Because I love them.

6. Though shalt call it out.

Do you ever have imaginary conversations with people who piss you off? They did something, you didn't mention anything at the time, but later (usually at 3 am) I am saying what I wish I said, bantering back and forth, winning arguments. Just say it at the time. You risk being wrong or being a little difficult, but calling something out once, or at least engaging in constructive conversation, it much better for your sanity.

7. Though shalt be less available.

I get a lot of texts and emails and phone calls. Hint - if your phone lights up with a call or you get ANOTHER email from a person asking a favour and your response is to roll your eyes or sigh, then you can just leave it for a while.

8. Though shalt not engage in the 3M's daily.

Musing, meditation and movement. The latter two are self explanatory (with movement ranging from a walk to a stretch through to a full gym workout). The 'musing' part is to wake up with intention and go to sleep having reflected (non judgmentally) on the day.

9. Though shalt take time to reflect.

Schedule this shit. Daily, as per above, weekly (maybe with your spouse or significant other), monthly. To ask yourself how are you are feeling, what's feeling good and what's not. This is an excellent way to practise emotional agility (and stop things from building up over time) and make tweaks and pivots.

10. Though shall prioritise the things that matter.

Being present with my family matters. Doing a good job at work matters. Making time for myself and family and friends matters. Quality time - where I'm not distracted or anxious about something else - matters. My friends and family will be there when work is long gone. My daughter will be a grown up before I know it. It's time to stop worrying about the micro.

The value of tweaks and pivots

It's almost 6 weeks into 2018, and obviously share the same sentiments as the rest of humanity about the pace at which 2018 seems to be moving (where does the time go, etc, etc).

Early this year, I sat and really reflected upon 2017 - the good, the bad and the ugly. By the end of last year I felt completely exhausted and burnt out. I believe this was a function of both external factors and my tendency to 'push' myself into being perfect in every aspect of my life (I'm not bragging by the way. I don't see this as a positive, at all!).

Also a major contributor to this feeling of overwhelm I lovingly refer to as my tendency to 'invite frustration' into my life.

How do I do this, you ask?

- by dwelling and ruminating on things, people, situations that anger/annoy/sadden me.
- by taking a very dramatic approach to the areas I would like to change in my life (I don't our house - we need to move! To Denmark! I don't like my career  - I need to quit my job! Get involved in a start up! I feel stressed! I need to go into a cave for weeks and not talk).

You get the drift.

I find that each of these approaches invites frustration. It's certainly okay - and necessary  - to self examine and make adjustments where necessary. I'm not advocating for accepting situations that are bad, staying in jobs that make us miserable, keeping engaging in stressful lifestyle activities because we think we 'have to'.

But the thing is, taking this approach makes me feel totally overwhelmed, freaked out and powerless. Because I can't quit my job and magically become a CEO at an innovate start up that saves the environment and baby whales and also let's its employees play ping pong in the middle of day whilst also providing free private health cover.  In the same vein, I can't magically wave a magic wand and become someone who is always serene, zen, freshly meditated (is that even thing?) and walks through the world being mindful with each breath, taking in the beauty of each moment. I'm just not that guy (though certainly, that does sound nice).

So my approach to 2018 is to tweak and pivot. This approach has many names (e.g. tilting) and isn't new by any means. My focus is to make small, almost immeasurable daily movements or changes that feel like they are in the right direction, and trust that they will get me where I need to go. This provides a nice contract from the feeling that I need to fundamentally 'change', that there are some drastic adjustments standing between me and fulfilment or a meaningful life.

So for me, this looks like:

- meditating daily, and just stopping whenever I remember to take a few big, deep breathes and wiggle my toes.
- taking ten minutes each day to advance my career in the direction I'd like to take it. This has meant, for example, signing up for mentoring, entering a competition to write essays on smart cities, signing up for another three months of career coaching.
- doing things that I know ground me - reading, exercising.
- cracking some work practices which are a bit unhelpful - for example, not reading emails first thing in the morning, or reading but not responding to emails, asking people to come back into my office rather than letting them interrupt me when I'm in deep work.

They key is to keep it small. Not to make big, sweeping statements like " I NEVER miss a day of meditation" or "I ALWAYS check emails only once a day at midday'.

Because these big rules / statements also invite overwhelm and frustration.

I think the second key to tweaks and pivots is aligning them to something bigger (which, honestly, I'm still working on). But for now, it's just small tweaks and pivots towards things that feel good and progress me or stretch my limits a little.

Perfectionism v. striving for your best

I'm writing a blog post today which shamelessly expands on a topic discussed by Brene Brown (you can listen to interview she gave on my new favourite podcast - Being Boss - here), where she delves i into the conversation about the difference between perfectionism and striving (the former being not great, with the latter apparently better). She makes the point that being 'perfect' in the world will not protect you from shame, hurt, vulnerability or heartache, because those conditions are universal to all humans.

She further captures this concept of being perfect by saying that it's akin to carrying around a 20 tonne shield. Exhausting, right? To differentiate between these things, she notes that perfectionism is (amongst other things) something that we do for others. To appear a certain way.

I get this. Hard. I carry around that shield, lugging it from home to work to the gym to the shops and to see friends and with my daughter. It's bloody tiring and at it's hard, it's about avoidance - avoidance of those feelings of shame, vulnerability and failure. That if I keep running and striving and trying that I will be immune from those feelings.

I try now to distinguish this from striving for personal reasons. To realise your potential, to feel as though you're aligned with your values, to feel as though you're working with purpose. Those are all intrinsic motivations, things that are special to me but may or may not please others.

It's often very hard to focus on these things. In a world where we are more attune than ever to others' opinions of us, and more attune to others living in their world of striving or perfectionism, it can be really hard to justify doing things just because you're intrinsically motivated to do them.

In any case, this is how I define the difference between striving and perfectionism. The former is what I do to realise my potential, the latter is something that I do to keep my head above water and be 'seen' by others. It's a fool's errand as well. Because you pursue perfectionism thinking that there will be a magic point at which 'perfectionism' will be achieved  - when you've lost that weight, redone your kitchen, cleaned the laundry - and it won't. There will always be more, and you / I will never be done with it. It becomes insidious.

So how to unhook from this? I'm about to read Brene's book the Gifts of Imperfection... stay tuned.